Back on the Inside
I returned to the hospital, Saturday, March 8th.
Andrea was with her family, on the road to Vegas for a quick trip. I was home with a home care nurse and my friend, Daniel, waiting for my friend Eddie to join us. Fucking party time, filled with meaningful debates over who would win a no weapons throwdown between Chewbacca and The Predator.
Shortly after noon, I closed my eyes for a quick nap. Fifteen seconds later I was fucking shivering, violently. I could only imagine that’s what lying on a coin operated vibrating bed in a cheap motel must feel like. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to cross that little fantasy off the bucket list just yet because Andrea is most definitely not into cheap motels.
In spite of the shivers, I felt warm enough. Then the care nurse took my temperature. 100 degrees. Shit.
The shivers lasted about thirty minutes. I prayed that they’d dissipate. I did not want Andrea to have to cut her family weekend short. The mere thought of that started me on another spiral.
The care nurse checked my temperature after a few minutes had passed. 97! Okay. Better. Maybe the thermometer had a momentary lapse of reason.
No fever meant no hospital. The violent shivering subsided. Shit, maybe I dodged a bullet! I had a picture in my mind of me and Neo in the Matrix dodging incoming rounds from Agent Smith in slow motion.
After a few minutes the care nurse checked my temperature again. 100.1. For fucks sake! Agent Smith had in fact shot me.
Next stop, City of Hope ER with Dan. Andrea caught the next flight home. Eddie grabbed her at the airport. Spiral incoming. Sigh…
But I’m a lucky bastard. I having a loving support system of family and friends. It’s why I’m, still alive.
The doctors determined I had some kind of infection. They needed to do tests to determine what type so they’d know how to treat it. That meant getting admitted to the hospital for a few days.
Spiral imminent.
(For more on Spiraling check out my post https://substack.com/@jerryrocha/p-188971205 and look for a new post Fighting the Spiral coming soon).
Fear swept over me. I’d been working on fighting the spiral. But this panic came on like a freight train. I beat myself up, thinking, how the fuck did I let this happen? I’m in a place where shit gets fixed, staffed by doctors I trust. And on top of all the lifesaving stuff I get applesauce whenever I want. And I’m crying because my car broke down and I stumbled upon an excellent mechanic? Get the fuck out.
But the spiral is the spiral for a reason. I’ve learned to accept the fact that from time to time, no matter how diligently I watch out for it, the spiral can rear its ugly head and bitch slap me in the face. Spiral gonna spiral. Sigh…
The tests came back. Blood infection. Again.
‘Ol Sepsis Jer over here.
Sunday, I got the crappy news that I would most likely be hospitalized until the middle of the week, maybe longer. The doctor explained that even though he had an idea what kind of infection I had, it would take a couple of days for test results to come back so that he could determine what antibiotic to administer. Fuck me.
The doctor had a consultation with Andrea and I. He explained that I was in a very delicate place physically because of my active cancer and the lingering side effects of the pneumonia.
“You’re also bald,” the doctor said, in his most serious tone.
“You’re also a giant nerd, what the fuck is Andrea doing with you anyway?” he asked, in an even more serious tone.
Okay, that didn’t happen, but I was waiting for it because the spiral had me all nutted up.
Deep breath.
Now, thankfully, I’m relaxing in my hospital room, writing to you all, trying not to let the fear send me into spiral land.
I know I’m good hands and no one on staff thinks I’ll be here too long.
It seems that this infection had nothing to do with my cancer which is also a massive relief.
What has been the most important thing to keep me positive and fighting, is that incredible support system I have. I have no idea how I got so lucky.
Oh and of course, there’s the applesauce.
Jerry, some may call you bald, but you are just a solar powered being, doing your part for the planet. Glad you’re getting out of the hospital soon.
Jerry, Andrea is a fucking saint brother! I am so glad you have her in your life. As always may the Boze be with you and watch over you during your fight with cancer.